While you're gone
by MaggyStar17
Summary: This happens between episodes 5x17 and 5x18. Dean runs away, planing to say yes to Michael, leaving Sam behind with a hurt angel. Sam/Castiel


**So I started writing this story some time ago (almost a year ago) and I decided it was time to finish it. I hope you enjoy!  
**

* * *

**While you're gone**

Sam returned to the motel room a bit in panic by Dean's leaving. He knew his brother. He knew what Dean was planning to do.

As he entered the motel room Sam saw Castiel lying on the bed. He looked like he had taken a big beat up, except he didn't have physical evidences of it. Castiel noticed Dean didn't come in and that Sam looked frustrated. Actually, he wasn't sure. He still didn't know much about human emotions. But he felt something was wrong.

"Where's Dean?"Castiel barely could talk.

"He left." Sam answered. "He's gonna do something stupid. I know it."

"Like what?"

"Like… Like say yes to Michael." He wasn't sure why he shared his thought with the angel. Maybe because he was mad at Dean for leaving, for giving up. He was sure Castiel wasn't going to be happy to know that after all they did, that they sacrificed… Dean was about give in.

"You should go after him… before you lose him." Castiel advised him.

Sam thought for a moment. "Dean's already too far away for me to catch him." But that wasn't the only reason why he didn't go after Dean. Castiel wasn't in conditions of coming with him and Sam couldn't just leave him there; all alone, tired, hurt, like he was about to faint at any moment.

"What you're gonna do then?" Castiel asked.

"I…"Sam looked over the room and was glad he had left his laptop in the room instead of taking it to the car. "I'll see if I can locate him by one of his phones." Sam went to grab his laptop that was on the other bed. "You should get some sleep."

Castiel was about to say 'I'm an angel'. But that was no longer true. He was becoming more human every day. "I don't need to sleep."

"In this case you need. Look, I'm not an angel doctor but… I think you'll get better faster if you sleep." _I can't go on alone,_ Sam thought. "I'm gonna need you."

"Dean, just like you, is hidden from me. I can't locate him." Castiel explained.

"That's not what I meant." And Sam said nothing more.

Castiel was confused. What did Sam meant? For the first time he felt what was like to not be given a straight answer. He remembered he used to do that. And he understood why they were upset about it. But Castiel wasn't going to demand an answer. Instead he just watched Sam researching sitting on the sofa, in front of him.

Castiel just stood there, lying on the bed. Trying to figure how was he going to sleep. He had never slept in his live. He also never needed to. But he had to try. He had to get better to help find Dean. Sam needed him. Whatever that meant…

Castiel woke up 2 hours later. He wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but it didn't matter. Sam was right; he felt stronger.

He saw Sam still in the sofa, trying to locate Dean. Castiel got up and approached him. Sam looked tired. He still hadn't slept that night and probably not much in the nights before. "Sam."

"Cas." Sam noticed his presence. "How are you feeling?"

"Better."Castiel answered. "Have you found any lead on Dean?"

"No." Sam said looking down. "I tried all phones. They're all off."Sam stood still for a moment and then rose quickly. "I don't know what else to do." He confessed. He was lost. He remembered the 4 months he spent when Dean was in hell. He couldn't help but find some resemblance between now and that time. If they couldn't find Dean and he said yes to Michael, Sam wouldn't be able carry on without him. Just like he couldn't do in the past. But one thing was different from when Dean was in hell; instead of having a demon at his side… now he had an angel.

Castiel wanted to say 'We'll find him' even if it wasn't what he thought; just to comfort Sam. He finally understood the point of lying in some occasions. But he didn't say it, anyway. He wouldn't lie to Sam.

"It's all my fault. The world's gonna end, billions of people will die… all because of me. Because I set Lucifer free." Sam wasn't sure why he was talking about it to Cas. Maybe because he couldn't tell it to Dean, he wouldn't listen to him. Dean probably would tell him to shut up even before he gets to the point.

Sam was looking into Castiel's eyes and he saw guilt.

"It wasn't your fault." Castiel told him. "It was all prepared to the smallest detail, to make you free Lucifer, so you couldn't have another choice." Castiel knew what he was talking about. After all he was part of the plan for a while.

"Still, it was me who freed him. I should've been locked in the panic room." Sam remembered that awful time. But it was nothing compared to the apocalypse. "Actually I never knew who released me. Dean thinks it was Ruby, but she told me she hadn't. Besides, I don't think she could even get near of the door."

"It was me. I freed you from the panic room." Castiel said. "I'm sorry." He didn't know what he was sorry for… He didn't wish Sam had stayed in the panic room, hallucinating. Maybe he was sorry for doing what Zachariah had ordered instead of fighting for what he thought it was right. Maybe the story would've been different.

"That's ok." Sam didn't want to blame his friend. After all, Castiel had helped him and Dean so many times. He even died for them. "I have to ask you something." He approached Castiel. "Why? Why did you help us so many times? Like you said, we destroyed the world. I destroyed your life. You can't return to heaven, you're losing your powers, you're hunted, and you have to fight you brothers to survive or to protect us. And you're still here, trying to help me again. Why? I'm just the abomination who doomed the world… and maybe heaven too." Sam used the same word that Castiel had used the day before to describe him. Sam felt his eyes fill with tears.

"Because… someone once told me I was supposed to show mercy." Castiel answered honestly and stepped forward, close to Sam. Sam let a tear fall recognizing his own words. "I thought you was right, at the time… but there was nothing I could do. I had my orders." Castiel looked away momentarily. "But not anymore. So I try to make it up for that time."

Sam remembered the day he had met Castiel… and Uriel. That day he knew how angels were like. They weren't how he had imagined and he was disappointed; on that day he lost faith… in angels, God… in everything that he had prayed to all those years. But right know he had found faith again. Not in God…but in the angel in front of him. It gave him comfort knowing he could trust someone… beside his brother.

Only then Sam noticed how close to him Castiel was. The angel was in his personal space, looking at him with an unexpressive face and with piercing blue eyes. Sam didn't find it uncomfortable like Dean. However he felt his heartbeat faster and he couldn't figure out why.

What Sam didn't know was that Castiel had been reading his mind. Everything he was thinking, everything he was feeling, Castiel knew. At first he thought he wouldn't be able to see inside Sam. He thought he wasn't strong enough. But when he figured he could, wondered why he hadn't done it before. Like he did with Dean. It was fascinating to know all his feelings, now that he could understand the most of them. He knew how feelings affected a person… Since he knew that God didn't care and wasn't going to help them, he had lost faith. Just like Dean had too. But even with the guilt and despair Sam felt, he had managed to come this far and Castiel admired that in him. But Sam's feelings weren't all bad… most of them were, but there was something more. Something beautiful that excelled from the other feelings. A feeling that Castiel didn't know what it was or what it meant. He just knew it made him feel strangely happy, and he no longer knew if he was feeling it in Sam or in himself. Probably both… He just kept looking into Sam's beautiful green eyes.

From the pleasurable closeness, tension started to rise. Soon Sam broke the tension; with an impulse, he kissed Castiel. Castiel stood a bit in shock, and he felt the soft lips on his as a warm shiver invaded his heart.

Sam broke the kiss. "Sorry." He said embarrassed. "I didn't…" But yeah, he had meant it. He licked his bottom lip as he turned away.

He grabbed Sam by the arm. As Sam turned around completely Castiel leaned forward and kissed him. Castiel didn't know if it was right or wrong… but it was good.

Sam was continually pressing his tongue against Castiel's mouth. He finally gave in and opened it; Sam loved the angel's taste. An electric shock spread through their bodies when their tongues met. Castiel raised his hands and touched Sam's chest. Sam put his hands on Castiel's hips under his trench coat and pulled him closer until their bodies were touching completely. Castiel felt his body heating.

Sam broke the kiss to breath. Just like him, Castiel was breathing fast. He noticed Sam's eyes different; they weren't so green, they were dilated and full of lust. Somehow Sam's worry and frustration was gone and the way Castiel made him feel… it was indescribable. Sam wished to take it to the next level. He was getting horny only from mentally picture it. But he wasn't sure if Cas was ready.

The angel smiled at him. "It seems a good idea." He said. Before Sam could say anything, Castiel's lips were on his again.

Sam put a hand on Castiel's neck and started to lead him to the bed. In the way, Sam took off Castiel's trench coat and the jacket went next. Sam sat on the bottom of the bed and he pulled Castiel by his tie until he was sitting on his lap. Then he untied the tie and threw it on the floor. Sam was surprised when Castiel started to undress him… but at the same time Castiel's touch felt really good. Soon they were shirtless. Sam kissed him on the neck as he passed his hands by Castiel's legs. At every new place Sam touched him, Castiel felt his body shivers inside. He moaned softly, and that turned Sam on. With a sudden felling of desire Castiel put his arms around Sam's neck and reached his lips possessively. "Cas" Sam exhaled and then he fell backwards.

As he hit the bed. Sam felt more naked. "Wow."Sam said when he noticed he and Castiel were totally naked. He gave Castiel a confused look.

"I still have some powers…" He explained breathing hard.

Sam smiled. He held Castiel a rolled to the side, being in top of the angel between his legs. Sam kissed and licked Castiel's neck; it would probably leave a mark. Sam kissed all Castiel's wet chest while he kept moaning. Sam felt Castiel's boner against his stomach. He kept kissing down Castiel's body until he reaches his thing. "Sam" Castiel groaned in pleasure when Sam licked his cock. They felt the blood running through their bodies, heating them up, making them sweat and breathe fast.

"Sam…" It sounded like a warning.

He noticed Castiel was reaching the climax fast, and he didn't want that. Not yet."Ok."Sam came to kiss his lips.

Castiel held Sam forcefully as he felt Sam slowly sliding inside him. Sam let him adjust while he stroked Castiel's hair. Sam started slow as his hand ran all over Castiel's body. Then he got faster, as they breathe in each other's mouth. Castiel screamed Sam's name, touching his back. A few more kisses, touches and moans, Sam reached the orgasm. Castiel scratched Sam's back with his nails as Sam came inside of him.

Sam heard a sound like a thunder, light flipping on and off. When Castiel came Sam saw the shadows of his wings on the floor and wall. At first Sam was a bit scared but then it was awesome. A hot unleashing wave passed through him and the wings disappeared.

"Sorry… I can't control it." Castiel said.

Sam lay down next to him. "That's fine." He kissed Castiel and put an arm around him. They lay there trying to normalize their breathing.

* * *

When Sam woke up it was already morning. He looked at Castiel cuddled on him, sleeping with his head on Sam's chest. Sam smiled and felt Castiel waking up.

"Good morning."

Castiel opened his sapphire eyes. He smiled seeing Sam next to him. "Good morning."

Sam notice how beautiful Castiel was, and remembered what had happened not many hours ago. _I'm going to hell for this… _Sam thought.

Immediately Castiel looked at him with a concerned look. "You can read my thoughts." Sam said half question half statement.

"Yes. You are the only one I can."

"What do you mean?"

"My powers have been diminishing… I realized I couldn't read anyone's mind, not much time ago." Castiel explained. "Only yesterday I realized I could read your mind."

"I'm the only one?" Sam asked.

"That I know of, yes."

"I mean, not even Dean? You two seem to have some sort of bond…" Sam couldn't hide a bit of jealous.

"Yes, I have a bond with Dean. But I have one with you too; a stronger bond… and unbreakable." Sam smiled. "So… You think what we did was wrong, a sin… for make you go to hell?" He said remembering Sam's thought.

"If it was right I think we would see more angels with humans."

"I see your point." Castiel said a bit sad. "So, you regret it?"

"I didn't say that." He looked into Castiel's eyes. "If we lose and the apocalypse happens… At least I won't die regretting something I wanted but I didn't do, just because it was a sin." Sam smiled. He was thoughtful for a moment. "It's also kinda stupid I go to hell because of this… when I've done a lot worse."

"If you ever go to hell… I'll raise you from perdition."

"Thanks" Sam kissed his forehead.

They stood in bed for minutes, enjoying each other's company. Both were thinking, abstracted from the world. Sam was thinking they had to find Dean. He had to come up with a plan. And they had to do it fast. But on the other hand, he was comfortable cuddled on Castiel… he didn't want that moment to end.

Sam noticed Castiel thoughtful. "What are you thinking about?" Sam caught his attention. "Because… I can't read your mind."

Castiel smiled. "I was just… thinking…about a feeling."

"Which one?"Sam asked.

"That's the problem… I don't know. It's totally new for me."

"Ok, I help you."Sam said. "Can you try to describe what you fell?"

"Sure." Castiel turned face down. "That's easy." His face was close to Sam's. Castiel put a hand on Sam's chest. "It's want you're felling right now."

Sam noticed what he was feeling before he answers. "Oh, that feeling…" Sam smiled when he figured it out. "It's called…love."

"Oh." Castiel seemed to process the information. "So… Does that mean… you love me?"

Sam got closer to his ear and in a whisper he said "Don't ask stupid questions."

Castiel smiled, right before Sam kisses him passionately. "I love you too." Castiel said and kissed him again.

While they were dressing after a shower, Sam's phone rang.

"Hello."Sam pick it up. "Really?... Is he sure?... Ok. Thanks Bobby. Bye." And Sam hung up.

Castiel tilted his head and looked at Sam, confused.

"I called Bobby last night to help finding Dean. He said Rufus just called him and said he had seen Dean pass by a town in Illinois."

"We should go then."

Sam stole a car and drove to the town where Rufus saw him. The ride was long, so they made a couple of short stops by the way. When they got there, after a 6 hours ride, they went to look for Dean, in motels, bars…everywhere. But they didn't find him.

"Ok, he's not here." Sam stopped the car by the frontier.

He stepped out the car and faced the road. It had two opposite turns that Dean might have gone. The problem was to know which one he went.

"I have no idea which direction Dean went." Sam said to Castiel who was getting out the car.

"Couldn't you…take a guess?" Cas tried to cheer him up. Also, he realized that Sam and Dean often guided themselves by their feelings… it was something Castiel would never comprehend, but they were usually right.

"I can, but… there's 50 per cent probability of being wrong. We can't take the chance of losing Dean completely." Sam sat on hood of the car next where Castiel for a while.

"We'll find him." Castiel touched slightly Sam's hand.

Then Sam went back to the car and grabbed a map he had seen in the door, earlier. He opened the map over the hood of the car and saw where both roads went. "Wait a minute..."

"What?"

"Dean went left." Sam said suddenly confident.

"How do you know?" Castiel asked confused.

"Lisa lives in that direction."

"You think Dean went to see her?" It was more a statement than a question.

"What would you do before you go kill yourself?" Sam said, proving a point.

"I would do this." Castiel quickly kiss Sam passionately.

Sam raised a hand to Castiel's face. After a moment Sam pulled away. "Cas, it was a rhetorical question."

"Oh." Castiel said, understanding.

"But I liked the answer anyway." He smiled.

They got back in the car and went in direction of Cicero, Indiana. They passed by Lisa's house, but if Dean had been there, he was already gone when Sam and Castiel got there. They could go knock at Lisa's door and ask for Dean, but Sam noticed some traffic cameras on the road. So they went to the police station to watch the tapes of the cameras and Sam had to think of a way to do that. He had no fake IDs he could use; they were all in the Impala. Maybe Castiel could help... but Sam knew he still wasn't 100% fine (perhaps he would never be…), so Sam didn't want to waste Castiel's powers on that.

Sam pulled out the car on a hidden alley. "Wait here." He said to Castiel before he leaves.

Sam entered the police station by the backdoor he managed to open. He carefully looked for the room with the tapes. Fortunately there weren't many people in the station; he only saw two cops, one at the entrance and the other in an office. Sam finally found the right room and immediately started watching the tapes. He first saw the tape from the camera in front of Lisa's house and soon he recognized the Impala.

Sam was more relieved, he started to wonder if he had been wrong and Dean hadn't gone to see Lisa. But now he had a proof that he was in the right way and getting close to Dean. He noticed to each side Dean went and Sam followed him by the other cameras. He saw that Dean had made some stops but the last one had been on motel not far from where they were.

Sam was ready to leave, but then he heard steps approaching; he quickly hid what he was looking for and hid himself behind the door. In the next few seconds Sam thought what he was going to do if someone got in had saw him, and at the same time he hoped no one got in the room. Soon the door opened and one of the cops entered, with no other weapon at his disposal Sam hit the police officer with his elbow. The man fell on the floor, dizzy; but when he saw Sam running from the room he yelled "Hey! Stop!"

The other cop heard and went after Sam, but Sam quickly got out of the police station the same way he got in. He entered the car and drove as fast as he could. Luckily the cop didn't follow them.

"Did you find out where Dean is?" Castiel asked looking back to make sure no one was following them.

While Castiel waited, he started to get impatient. Sam was taking too long and he wondered if he should also go in to help him; he could have been caught… And apparently Castiel was right.

"Yeah. He's on a motel not far from here." Sam said as he drove there.

When they got there, they saw Dean's car parked and Sam pulled over a couple of miles away, but from where he could see Dean's motel door. While they stood a moment inside the car, Sam noticed Castiel was quiet, more than usual, and he seemed to be uncomfortable.

"Cas…" Sam softly called as he turned to the angel. "Are you ok?"

"I…" Castiel didn't want to worry him, but he couldn't lie to the genuinely concerned green eyes. "I'm… hungry." He admitted a bit ashamed.

Sam was surprised at first. "I thought you didn't need to eat."

"I guess now I need." Castiel said sadly.

They both knew what it meant; it meant Castiel was becoming human. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"We had… more important things to do."

Only then Sam realized he had eaten that day either. The situation of Dean possibly say yes to Michael had mixed with his nervous system and he hadn't even felt hungry. "You're important too." Sam wasn't going to let Dean's stupidity interfere with Castiel's well being. "Let's go eat something." Sam set him a smile.

"What about Dean?" Castiel asked.

"I don't think Dean will call Michael right in the middle of the town." He knew Dean would choose a more hidden and private place. "Besides, there's a dinner right over there. We can watch Dean from there." Sam pointed at the dinner across the street.

Castiel agreed and smiled. They went to the dinner and Sam ordered a salad to himself and a hamburger to Castiel. They sat by the window and while they ate Sam, from time to time, checked over the window to see if Dean had left the motel.

"Do you feel better?" Sam asked when he noticed Castiel had finished eating.

"Yes. Thank you."

"How about your powers? Do you feel stronger than last night?" Sam asked.

"Yes." Castiel answered confused. "Why?"

Sam sighed. "Dean won't just come with us peacefully."He paused. "Dean will fight. I don't know if I can beat him and I honestly don't want to find out." Then Sam looked in Castiel's eyes. "I need you." He took a deep breath. "I need you to zap Dean out of there. Can you do that?" He didn't want to ask too much from the falling angel.

"Of course." Castiel would always help Sam as best as he could.

Sam got up to leave and Castiel followed him. Then he realized something. "That was what you meant when you said you needed me last night."

Sam had to think in what context he had said that. "I guess I meant it in both ways." He concluded as he got outside and kissed Castiel's cheek.

They approached the motel but in the way Sam stopped. When they got Dean back, everything was going to change… between him and Castiel. "Cas… Dean can't know about us. He'd freak out, more than he already is." He explained. "In fact, no one should know. I love you. I really do, but…" Sam didn't know how to end a relationship that barely had started without hurting Castiel. "With the apocalypse and all that…"

"There are more important things to care about." Castiel concluded.

"I'm sorry." Sam said with a sad expression.

"Sam…" He got closer. "I understand." Castiel said in a soft voice that made Sam feel a little better.

Sam kissed Castiel deep and passionately, touching his face while Castiel had his hands on Sam's chest. For the last time in a long time they experienced the thrilling affection of someone they loved. As they pulled back Sam saw the love in Castiel's for one last time.

"Let's go." Sam said and they walked to the motel where Sam would try to convince Dean to go with them peacefully.

THE END


End file.
